“The clouds are the dust of His feet” ( Nahum 1:3  ). God reveals Himself to us in the clouds.  The next time I look up to see the clouds I will look at them a little differently.

My Utmost for His Highest, July 29:

It is not true to say that God wants to teach us something in our trials. Through every cloud He brings our way, He wants us to unlearn something. His purpose in using the cloud is to simplify our beliefs until our relationship with Him is exactly like that of a child— a relationship simply between God and our own souls, and where other people are but shadows. Until other people become shadows to us, clouds and darkness will be ours every once in a while. Is our relationship with God becoming more simple than it has ever been?

Last Sunday I (along with several others) was given an opportunity to speak of God’s love and how his love has filled our lives.

The last time I had the opportunity to speak was a couple of years ago when I was explaining to the youth why I would no longer would be their youth pastor.  Back then I spoke of the deep pain I was experiencing through the tragedy of divorce and now a divided family.  I spoke then of how I had nothing inside to give. 

Through many dark days and nights over the next year or so – God was there.  It was hard to see and hear Him but he was.  There were many nights I prayed, “Don’t let me wake up tomorrow!”  I hated the loneliness and the emptiness my life was experiencing.

All the while, God was there.  He was helping me.  In so many different ways he provided.  During that time, He led me through the mine-field of life.  Through the years prior – God had given me some valuable friends who all helped lay a foundation of faith in my life.  It was through this tough time that all the teaching I had done over the years was put to the test.

Today, I am experiencing growth in my life like never before.  I don’t even know how to communicate the hunger, the excitement, and the thoughts that race through me.  I know the deep well of pain has been replaced with His love and grace.  The past year has been one of the most challenging and growth-filled spiritual times in my life!  And today I can say, “This is the time of my life!” I can’t explain it.  I don’t know where all of this is leading… but I am going to ride the wave!

“In the spiritual realm, God only allows us to have as much of Him as our foundation, or life in Him, will support. If we want a powerful ministry that is Spirit-anointed, our house must be built on the Rock.  So when the storms come (and they will) our house will stand.”  A Cry in the Wilderness, Melody Green, xii.

I recall my friend Joel while speaking of Dean say, “Dean has found his voice.”  I am praying at this time I will find my voice and proclaim Him boldly.

God, you are amazing!. I am so thrilled that You love me. I know sometimes I get so caught up in my desire to “do” but today – I just want to “be.” I like the wording of Oswald Chambers today, “The only thing that exceeds right-doing is right-being.” If I could I would be somewhere without all the distractions life brings and just sit in Your presence – being. Lord, I know one day I will meet You face to face… it’s on that day that the ultimate state of being will be… for eternity.

“Sometimes it’s hard to see. Sometimes it’s hard to get through to me. But, I want to do all that You ask me to. Help me to follow through. Make everyday a devotion to you. ‘Cause it’s dust to dust until we learn how to trust…”

…I’m putting Your armor on. I’m finding myself so suddenly drawn. Like a moth to a flame whenever I hear Your Name… Keith Green, “Dust to Dust”.

“If you are My disciple, you must be right not only in your actions, but also in your motives, your aspirations, and in the deep recesses of the thoughts of your mind.” Oswald Chambers, Utmost for His Highest, July 24. See Matthew 5:20.

I have always valued the opinion of others tremendously. I understand there is a lot of value in the counsel of others when it comes to making decisions. Over the years, I have probably put too much stock in what others have had to say. To the point of not doing anything – out of fear of what someone may say about what I was attempting to do. (Writing on this blog has helped me some what with this).

There is a place we all must come to in following Christ. The place where we need to be is where we put aside the many voices telling us what we “ought” to do and follow what, “Thus says the Lord.”

I wonder how many believers there are filling up churches in America who are not living out God’s potential in them because of what someone else has said that discouraged them from living in obedience.

I’m afraid the number would be great. I think often times its human pride – the fear of failure – that keeps most from launching out into the deep waters of obedience. The fear of what others may think or say leads us to pleasing others and not the Lord.

Paul explained his meeting with the leaders about his call to preach to the Gentiles. He was sold out on what he was to do and yet felt compelled to make sure that James, Peter, and John were on board with him. But at the end of the day – Paul was going to do what, “Thus says the Lord.” Galatians 2:2 lets us know Paul’s meeting with them was out of obedience to God’s leading. “I went there because God revealed to me that I should go.”

I know I have had some crazy ideas and dreams during my lifetime. Some have been encouraged and some have been questioned with the thought, “I hope he knows what he’s doing!” Some dreams have been fulfilled and others well… who knows what happened to them? 

I was having dinner with a friend the other night. His college aged daughter was there too. She was making her plans for her next trip overseas. His comment to me was, “Don’t you just wish you could go back to her age and dream like that?” Her response was, “These aren’t dreams – these are plans!”

Well, she shut both of our mouths wide opened!

But that’s just it… too often we operate our lives off of our dreams (fantasies) we have. When in reality we need to live in what, “Thus says the Lord.”

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6hOyx8LF4I&feature=related]

I’m overjoyed… I’m over taken with His love tonight.  This love God has for me… for you… for them.  The love he has to give leads us to respond, “Here am I. Send me!”  To respond to His love any other way would be to deny Him.  I am thankful God has seen fit to love me and that He has chosen me for Himself. 

When you close your eyes and pray, who do you see?  Do you see faces of people he draws your mind to?  My heart is drawn to the men and women serving our country.  I know what I think this means.  I’ve got a few things yet to see Him move. 

I had a moment yesterday much like the moment I had this past Saturday while at a get together.  I sort of just wandered away from the moment to pray.  As I prayed, my mind saw those serving our country overseas.  As I stared at an empty ballfield yesterday and a swimming pool with children playing Saturday – I wondered as to what they (the soldiers) were looking at.  I’m overtaken with this love for them. 

My thoughts have been on those who have gone – and been wounded in battle.  There are hospitals with those who have been wounded in combat in need of God’s love for healing: physically, spiritually and emotionally.  There are others who’ve never seen the hospital – yet they are wounded in heart… emotion… and mind.  There is a great need here. I can’t even begin to imagine.  John 15:13 comes to mind:

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

After reading Oswald Chambers on Sunday, Isaiah 6:1 has stayed on my mind.  Here it is almost 1 AM and sleep is difficult to find.  So, I decided to read the rest of the chapter.  I recall listening to Keith Green while laying on my living room floor during my last semester in college.  The song, “Here Am I. Send Me.”

Keith Green challenged so many people to, “Go!”  I recall before attending Lee College stopping by what used to be the Shell gasoline station on Tennessee Street to see my good friend Darrell.  He handed me a pamphlet he had been reading, “Why YOU should go to the mission field“.  This was Keith Green’s final message.  If you have never read it I encourage you to take a few moments to click on the link and read it.

One of the quotes from Keith’s message was, “this generation of Christians is responsible for this generation of sinners.”  This struck me back in the mid 80’s and it does the same now at 1:38 AM in 2008.  We have become comfortable in our Nation.  Too comfortable in our churches and our perfect little lives. 

Isaiah was given a gift as a man to look into heaven and see the Lord seated on the throne.  He was given the incredible pleasure to listen in.  This is what he heard,

Holy, holy, holy is the Lord Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory.  Isaiah 6:3.

Isaiah immediately confesses his sin and was forgiven. 

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?”
      And I said, “Here am I. Send me!”  Isaiah 6:8

We are all called to GO!  For some it is across the street or across town… for others it is across the world.  When you hear the Lord say, “Whom shall I send?”  Don’t delay.  Be like Isaiah in your response.

I asked the question a few weeks ago, “If you could be doing anything you wanted to do (right now) what would it be?”  I’m surprised the stirring this question has raised.  I asked this of several people and I still get responses from it.  This little question is packed with a lifetime of challenge.

Does the answer to this question bring about job change?  Does it lead one to go back to school?  Does it confirm to another they are doing what God has chosen for them to do?  The answer is different for everyone.  But the challenge is the same.

God has placed “a call” on each of our lives to live out for His glory.  We are all chosen by Him to follow His leading.  God uses so many different experiences in life to get us thinking about where we each belong in the sight of eternity.  While reading the series called “Chaplain Turner’s War”in the AJC, I found that Chaplain Turner was moved to become a Chaplain while going through Wild at Heartby John Eldredge.  I wonder how many lives have been altered by the reading of that one book?  Then there is Henry Blackaby’s Experiencing God and so many other books that have been written throughout history that have literally helped people understand what God had created them for. 

I know when I was a young 20 year old still in college, I wanted to know “the will of God” more than anything else.  I was caught up in “hearing” from God through some supernatural experience that never came.  I had my thoughts and mind focused on hearing some booming voice to tell me what I was to do with my life.  I know I missed out on so much as a result.  I was looking for that “call of God” to validate whatever it is that I chose to do in life.  That booming call never happened… yet I was called none-the-less.

I recall after graduating from college and feeling sort of “stuck” working in Cartersville.  I remember loudly the words of someone closest to me at that time telling me, “You can’t do that… being a youth pastor or any other minister… that’s not you.”  During this time of struggle with those words echoing in my head I went to the Full Gospel Business Men’s Advance at Rock Eagle.  Begging God to speak to me.  I don’t recall anything from the Advance but I remember the trip back from Rock Eagle riding with Dan.  He is a Real Estate Broker.  I was looking for direction in my life at the time.  Looking for something to do.  I talked to him about selling Real Estate. I was hoping that maybe I will find significance there – my place in the kingdom…  after-all God has used Dan so much.  I ended up pursuing my license and going to work.  That lasted six months.  A couple of years later I’m off to seminary. 

For me, there has always been this fear I have had to really launch out into the deep waters with God.  I don’t know why… that’s just the way it has been.  All I know is that once I took that chance without hearing that booming voice but rather following that still small voice life changed.  It literally electrified my soul.  I experienced the power of God in the decision and the steps that followed.  But I never quiet overcame that bit of fear I felt… I guess I could call it lack of confidence in myself or faith in God.

One thing I did come to know is with each step in following God – each step requires more faith than the first step.

The closer you walk with Christ, the greater the faith required.  The more you trust Him, the more you’ll risk on His behalf.  The more you love Him, the more you will love others.  If you genuinely embrace His sacrifice, you will joyfully embrace a sacrificial life.  Your expectations of Jesus will change as your intimacy with Him deepens. (Erwin McManus, The Barbarian Way, 53).

So, the question I raise now:  “What keeps me from moving forward?” “Why do I feel stuck once again?”  “What keeps me from continuing to “fight the good fight“.  It’s as if I’m still wearing the uniform of Christ but I’ve taken myself off the front lines because I have been wounded.  I’m reminded of one of the episodes from Band of Brothers.  I think it was called “The Replacements”.  There is this one soldier that was hit in battle… not seriously wounded but he took his time at the hospital to get well… he waited for a full recovery before going back to combat.  As a result, it took some time for those still in battle to take him back in as one of the Band of Brothers.  There were others with more serious wounds that checked themselves out of the hospital against medical advice to go back and fight the war with their brothers.

I would guess according to McManus I would be “civilized” and not “barbaric” in my quest to follow God.  I believe the same as always… like I said I still wear the uniform.  I guess the wounds have made me a little gun shy from going back to the front-lines.

Perhaps the tragedy of our time is that such an overwhelming number of us who declare Jesus as Lord have become domisticated – or, if you will, civilized.  We have lost the simplicity of our early faith.  Beyond that, we have lost the passion and power of that raw, untamed, and primal faith. (Erwin McManus, The Barbarian Way, 12).

I have a difficult time truly committing to the idea that I have become civilized after all my passion to head back to the front-lines is strong.  I just have this fear.  I’m listening to this song written by Darin McWatters called, “Consuming Fear”.  It has been a perfect time for it to come back to my mind.  The first verse is me.  The chorus at the end of the song is powerful!  While listening and worshipping I am filled with so much faith… I want to be able to capture that faith and live it out boldly with a trust in the Lord I’ve never known before.

I have so many dear brother’s in Christ that God has used in so many ways in my life.  I have been reading, writing, and praying not knowing how to tie all of this together.  During my time to pause from writing in order to worship, I received an email from one of those brothers – The email subject line reads, “Psalm 27“. 

1 The LORD is my light and my salvation—
       whom shall I fear?
       The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
       of whom shall I be afraid?

 2 When evil men advance against me
       to devour my flesh, ^[a]
       when my enemies and my foes attack me,
       they will stumble and fall.

 3 Though an army besiege me,
       my heart will not fear;
       though war break out against me,
       even then will I be confident.

 4 One thing I ask of the LORD,
       this is what I seek:
       that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
       all the days of my life,
       to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
       and to seek him in his temple.

 5 For in the day of trouble
       he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
       he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle
       and set me high upon a rock.

 6 Then my head will be exalted
       above the enemies who surround me;
       at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy;
       I will sing and make music to the LORD.

 7 Hear my voice when I call, O LORD;
       be merciful to me and answer me.

 8 My heart says of you, “Seek his ^[b] face!”
       Your face, LORD, I will seek.

 9 Do not hide your face from me,
       do not turn your servant away in anger;
       you have been my helper.
       Do not reject me or forsake me,
       O God my Savior.

 10 Though my father and mother forsake me,
       the LORD will receive me.

 11 Teach me your way, O LORD;
       lead me in a straight path
       because of my oppressors.

 12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
       for false witnesses rise up against me,
       breathing out violence.

 13 I am still confident of this:
       I will see the goodness of the LORD
       in the land of the living.

 14 Wait for the LORD;
       be strong and take heart
       and wait for the LORD.

Parenting has got to be one of the hardest jobs on the planet.  Parenting has got to be one of the most joyful experiences on the planet.  At times it is a fine line between being the hardest and the most joyful experience.  It’s a job I’ve never regretted for one second.  I love my children with everything I am.  I know it’s tough at times for them to see it everyday especially since we don’t live on the same street anymore.  Although they don’t have the pleasure of seeing my love for them – they are loved – more than they can physically see and experience on a daily basis.

I was listening to a song by everybodyduck a few days ago. (Yes, the name of the band is all one big word! If you aren’t familiar with everybodyduck they are very good… Darin McWatters is a great lyricist). The feelings I am having today made me think of this song by everybodyduck entitled “8″.  The song talks about a boy at his own party and how lonely he feels… the song ends with the picture of God and all he gives and provides for us just to have us ignore him… thus his feelings of loneliness.

I wonder… how does God feel?

I had a situation with one of my children.  In my opinion it has been one of the first really trying situations I’ve had to face.  At the same time I look at this and realize they are growing up… and as a parent I must grow up.  I think I handled it pretty good… with much love, understanding, and grace.  I know I am limited when it comes to knowing all things.  I do the best I can.  I really respect, admire, cherish, love, trust, and desire to give my children all that I can give.  But do they really know how I feel about them?  After-all they don’t see me everyday.  Even when I have to administer some correction it’s not face to face… it’s over the phone.  So they don’t really get to see my heart – written all over my face.

As I’ve thought about this situation, I’ve thought about how God deals with me.  I don’t see Him.  I hear him but not audibly.  I experience Him but I don’t feel Him.  He gives me direction yet I don’t see Him point the way.  He corrects me and I experience the correction.  He provides for me and my family yet do I thank Him?  He’s there but do I take Him for granted?  I know He loves me!  How do I return the love?

How does God feel?

If you are unfamiliar with “8″ these are the words of Darin McWatters as recorded by everybodyduck, 1998:

Today’s the 8th anniversary of the day I was born
I’ve been alive exactly eight years today
My name is Joey and I can’t seem to find an excuse
Not to have a wild, raging party for my birthday

So I invited all my friends to come and started making plans
For the greatest party 3rd grade’s ever seen
All my closest friends and I would go to Skippy’s Pizza-Rama
They’ve got skeeball and these dancing chimpanzees
Every person in attendance would have candy all his own
And more pizza that an army could consume

I paid everyone’s admission and I thought my heart could burst
With excitement as we walked into the room

As I turned to see the joy on all the faces of my friends
I was shocked to see an empty space where they had all just been

I’m so alone and it’s by birthday
All by myself, what is the deal
I’m the only person sitting at a table set for 12
And I just can’t help but think that this could be
How God must feel

My best friend Andy’s sharing pizza that I bought with some dumb girl
And Steven Dobbs is playing air hockey with Jake
Kevin’s paying Jr. Higher’s with my tokens for his life
And I think Jeff is selling slices of my cake

Everywhere I look I see those who should be looking at me
It’s my birthday, after all, but they don’t care
I put so much into making this a party they would like
A guess I thought they’d have gratitude to spare
As I turned…

I’m so alone and I’m their savior
All by myself , what is the deal
I’m the only one who saved them from the sins that held them down
And I just can’t help but think that they don’t care
How I might feel

I’m having surgery on my heart… not physically but rather spiritually.

How does one know if one is living in the sin of “unbelief”?  “He did not do many mighty works there because of their unbelief” ( Matthew 13:58 ).

If Jesus could not do miracles in the presence of those with unbelief…

• Is this why we do not see the supernatural at work in and around our lives? 
• Is this why we seem to not be able to hear the Lord in times of searching for direction? 
• Is it that we suffer from the sin of unbelief?
• Is this why vision is hard to discern?

This is why I pray, “Lord I believe but help me with my unbelief.”  See Mark 9:24.

I’m revisiting so many days recorded in the “Book of Roye”.  Many know of it as my journal.  I am going back and pulling CD’s and listening to songs God used to speak to me.  I’m trying to capture those moments gone by to see how I responded to God’s leadership and direction in my life.  To see if just maybe I’m missing something today.  I’m concerned about my possible ”unbelief”.  I ask, “Is that the issue?”  Or is God playing hide and seek with me?

I had surgery earlier this year and my doctor decided to try something with me… exploring to see if it would work.  It was successful.  He thought I was a good case due to my high tolerance for pain.  Is God exploring with me in this same manner… testing my tolerance for pain?” 

How do I (or any of us) respond to Chambers devotional today?

If we really believed that God meant what He said, just imagine what we would be like! Do I really dare to let God be to me all that He says He will be?

So, in this sense I’m having surgery.  It is exploratory surgery at best.  Exploring myself from the outside in and finding out it’s me again.  Dealing with the same issue…

Lord, I believe – but help me with my unbelief.