There is this part of my life I haven’t found the courage to let go.  I think what I’m most afraid of is letting go of this fear or lack of courage and truly allow God to express Himself through me. I guess this place without courage has become comfortable. Yet more than anything else I want to live and prosper beyond this fear.

I was listening to someone talk recently.  This person has “found their voice“.  This person is at a place where their life has intersected with God’s destiny or purpose.  As I listened I could hear confidence, love, passion, and abandonment to God for the people he has been called to serve.  I’ve been in that place before and if you have or are there now you know what I’m talking about.

Over the past several years God has been deepening the foundation of my life.  It’s been a painful process… one that I have become to grow a bit impatient with… Yet deep down I know it is all for my growing.

 “In the spiritual realm, God only allows us to have as much of Him as our foundation, or life in Him, will support. If we want a powerful ministry that is Spirit-anointed, our house must be built on the Rock.  So when the storms come (and they will) our house will stand.”  A Cry in the Wilderness, Melody Green, xii.

I woke up yesterday morning with Matthew 5:13, “You are the salt of the earth,” on my mind.  As the day progressed, I took a moment to see how The Message read for this verse,

Let me tell you why you are here. You’re here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavors of this earth. If you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness? You’ve lost your usefulness and will end up in the garbage.

We should never grow tired of the refining process God allows us to go through.  I know I am learning more and more each day that He is laying a greater foundation in my life.  Each day I live I pray that my life is “salt-seasoning that brings our the God-flavors of this earth.”

One of my favorite songs by Jars of Clay is ”World’s Apart”. My prayer is that as God continues to work in my life that I leave nothing hidden from Him.  I pray that He takes my world apart so He can use me to be salt in this world.

I am feeling desperate… I really want to get God’s attention. I want to know that He hears me when I pray. I want to understand Him more and to go deeper in His love and grace.

As I read Psalms in The Message, I see David’s unique way of communicating to God through praise and prayer. This morning I’m reading one of his prayers found in Psalm 17. He begins with, “Listen while I build my case, GOD, the most honest prayer you’ll ever hear.”

David does not lack confidence as he approaches his Heavenly Father. He was sure of himself and he was sure of the One he sought. He spoke directly to God, “Go ahead, examine me from the inside out, surprise me in the middle of the night – You’ll find I’m just what I say I am. My words don’t run loose.” (17:3).

In verse three, he is honest before God. There is not manipulation in his words to try and get his way. He lays his life out before God and asks for an examination. Much like how we do when we go to a doctor for a full physical on our physical health. We want the truth from the doctor and we hide nothing from them.

I have a strong desire to be used in God’s plan on this earth. I want to be available to be used by Him however He desires. Sometimes I seem to get lost in this pursuit. During the last several years I have been in pursuit of this but the circumstances of my life have thrown me a nasty curve ball I wasn’t looking for. I struck out. I was even hit by a pitch. Now I’m on deck warming up and I am starting to fear getting into the batters box.

“I’m staying on your trail; I’m putting one foot in front of the other. I’m not giving up.” (17:5).

David prays in verses 6-7, “I call to you, GOD, because I’m sure of an answer. So – answer! bend your ear! listen sharp! Paint grace-graffiti on the fences; take in your frightened children who are running from the neighborhood bullies straight to you.”

David sought God desperately to get away from the clutches of his enemies. He prayed what he wanted to see happen to those who came up against him. (17:10-14). He didn’t hold back and presented his circumstance to the Father.

Finally in 17:15, “And me? I plan on looking you full in the face. When I get up, I’ll see your full stature and live heaven on earth.” David knew victory would be his. He knew who he was and he knew his GOD… he trusted with all his heart. David didn’t give up or give in. He stayed hot on the trail seeking GOD.

Let’s do the same!!

I’ve started teaching my daughter to drive. It’s been a great experience and I have cherished every moment with her behind the wheel. I can tell with each day she sits down in the drivers seat she is gaining more confidence.

In Andy Stanley’s message, “Pray until the peace comes,” he asks, “What drives your prayers?” I answered, “Fear and worry.”

As my daughter got behind the wheel for the first time I know she was afraid. I’m not sure what she was most afraid of (the car, messing up, or how I might react to her messing up). Over several days she has gotten better with more and more confidence.

As I’ve observed and coached my daughter, I’ve thought about my own fears and how often I don’t allow God to coach and train me through my fears. I am not like my daughter learning to drive as I tend to grip the steering wheel of life too tightly, step on the gas too hard, and when it comes to braking – I haven’t quite managed how to delicately apply them. I’m getting concerned that maybe I’m frustrating God with my inability to overcome my fears.

“If you don’t know what you’re doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You’ll get his help, and want be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who ‘worry their prayers’ are like wind-whipped waves.” (James 1:5-7, The Message).

“…get serious, really serious. Get down on you knees before the Master; it’s the only way you’ll get on your feet,” (James 4:8b-9, The Message).

2009 has been a great year for me. It has also been a very difficult one. I know a week ago God began leading me to focus on prayer for the remainder of this year. A much different kind of prayer.

“The prayer of a person living right with God is something powerful to be reckoned with.” (James 5:16b, The Message).

The title of the talk I heard Andy Stanley give, “Pray until the peace comes” has become my personal theme for the rest of this year. I must let God in on what my deepest fears and desires are.

The words of Paul sum it up,

“Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers. Letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.” (Philippians 4:6-7, The Message).

I’m praying until the peace comes.

Day after day I pray, “God help me with this, give me this opportunity, help me do that.” My struggle is that I can’t seem to get past this prayer. Today’s My Utmost for His Highest shows me that I’m afraid of what Oswald Chambers calls becoming “frost bitten.”

My desire MUST be to please Jesus no matter what it costs or how frost bitten I may become. As a believer and follower of Jesus Christ, I should desire nothing less and nothing more than Jesus – his love.

This love from Jesus compels me to live within the realm of his purpose for life. “I must learn that the purpose of my life belongs to God, not me. God is using me from His great personal perspective, and all He asks of me is that I trust Him… He can crush me, exalt me, or do anything else He chooses. He simply asks me to have absolute faith in Him and His goodness. (My Utmost for His Highest, November 10).

I MUST trust and walk by faith.

Do you recall the scene from Toy Story 2 when Andy’s mom put Woody on the shelf? After Andy leaves the room the toys come out and one of them says, “Woody’s been shelved.”

Woody’s arm had been ripped while Andy was playing with him. So to keep him from further damage Andy’s mom shelved him. The cool thing about Woody is that he didn’t let his damage keep him down.

There was another toy that had been shelved too. After that toy gets put in a yard sale Woody didn’t let his own wound keep him from helping another toy in need.

At some time in life we all experience deep wounds and hurts. We can let them take our joy and our purpose or we can turn them into nuggets of hope for someone else.

I don’t believe God shelves any of us forever. I know for me I have had to sit on the shelf in order to allow the healing take place. I’m recharged and ready to go! I know I carry many scares but I pray they can each serve has a resource of hope to others.

“You can’t give up what God gives you.” A random comment from an elderly man I met at the hospital a couple of years ago.

“It is clear to us, friends, that God not only loves you very much but also has put his hand on you for something special. (1 Thessalonians 1:4, The Message).

Have you ever ridden the log ride at Six Flags or at some other park? 

Lately my life has seemed much like I am riding a log ride (just not as fun).  My life is in motion bumping up against the parameters (or shall I say the principles) of life.  All the while, I know there is a destination out there that I will arrive at.  As Oswald Chambers puts it, I’m living my life based on principles rather than vision.

There is a difference between holding on to a principle and having a vision. A principle does not come from moral inspiration, but a vision does.

Our own idealistic principles may actually lull us into ruin. Examine yourself spiritually to see if you have vision, or only principles. (My Utmost for His Highest, May 9).

How do you live your life?  Do you get up everyday and hop onto the log ride of the expected routine in life or do you live it a bit more dangerously with a spiritual vision?  I know it seems like I have settled into the log ride and today am being challenged to get off of the ride and jump into a raft and conquor an uncharted river.  The Holy Spirit will be the guide and he will provide the vision.

Many years ago I went white water rafting on the Ocoee River in Tennessee.  I was nervous and stressed the entire time.  The water was freezing, the rapids were rough, and I had to trust the guide.  At times, I even got angry with the guide because I thought he was intentionally sending us through rougher water when it wasn’t necessary.

I realize in life I do the same thing.  At times, I get upset and angry with where this course is taking me.  I want to point a finger at the Holy Spirit and say, “Why didn’t you tell me to dig earlier?”  I’m quick to forget that He is teaching me as I go.  He allows the rough waters in my life and I need to learn from them. 

I have come to know when He is telling me to do something.  I have learned His voice.  But I haven’t overcome my fear of taking risks in following Him.  I like the log ride.  I know what I will experience in the log.  As for the the raft, there’s a risk and I will have to trust the Guide.

Have you lost the excitement for living?  Your job? Ministry? Family?  Read Proverbs 29:18,

  If people can’t see what God is doing,
   they stumble all over themselves;
But when they attend to what he reveals,
   they are most blessed. (The Message)

I know the following quote is from a message on marriage.  But it is applicable to any aspect of life that pertains to personal passion.  Job. Family. Ministry.  Whatever!  We all get involved in doing something based on how it makes us feel but to keep it going and alive there must be a plan… a vision.  It’s the plan that will keep you moving forward.

“Falling in love requires a pulse, staying in love requires a plan.” (Andy Stanley).

Are you following the vision for your life?  Or have you decided to remain comfortable with where you are?

This morning I told the Lord I would love to just sit down with Him face to face and have a conversation with Him.  A conversation about the inner struggles I have that revolve around my hopes, dreams, and desires for life.  The next thought that raced into my mind was, “You are having that conversation now – faith to face.” 

I have had this ”faith to face” thought  all day.  Way too often I want to skip right on past faith and get down to the things in life that are certain.  Look at Jesus directly and hear him speak to me directly.  Skip right past the uncertainty in following Jesus and live in a confidence that I am pleasing Him.

Well, no sooner than I finished praying I picked up Oswald Chambers just to get smacked around one more time by OC.  When will I ever learn? (At least I know my prayer life is right on target with how God is speaking to me).

The nature of the spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty… Certainty is the mark of the commonsense life— gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. (My Utmost for His Highest, April 29).

With the thoughts of Oswald Chambers lingering in my mind I took a chance and began reading some more of Erwin McManus’ book Wide Awake.  I’m still only able to read this book in small bites…  This is a book that is challenging me to the very core.  Today I finished the chapter “Create”. 

It’s significant that the master didn’t tell the servants what to do when he instructed them to do something with what he gave them.  When they multiplied it, he didn’t quiz them on how they did it.  He just said, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.”  If you are maximizing your capacity, you’re on the way to living your life to the fullest.  To do this, you must not only take responsibility but also risk.  Why did the third servant bury his bag of gold?  He was afraid of his master; he feared he would lose his gold and then be punished.  (174-175).

If you are maximizing your capacity… 

I feel as though I’m not living life to the fullest!  Why? I’m not maximizing my capacity.   I desire to live life beyond the level I am living it right now.  I want to live in breathless expectation of seeing Jesus – yet, do I take time to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, give shelter to the homeless… if I want to see Jesus I must look deeper into the face of humanity and see Him in those I serve.  Am I positioning myself to maximize my capacity?  Or have I positioned myself in a place where my life is so full of other stuff there’s no more room for anything else?

Finally, I’m following Pete Wilson’s blog and Twitter as he maximizes his capacity in India on a mission trip.  If you are not checking in on his updates (or now about Pete), I encourage you to check out what God is doing while he and his team are there.  I have a local pastor-friend who just returned from India as well.  Take a few moments to read how he has been maximizing his capacity.

How do you maximize your capacity?

I never get tired of saying, “Oswald Chambers strikes again!”  Day after day and year after year of reading My Utmost for His Highest never gets old.  Each year that I read it – it’s as if I am reading it for the first time.  It may be because I didn’t “get it” the year before or there is always something new in me that needs a bit of work.  Honestly, it’s a little of both.

Saturday I received a letter from a former student heading to the Czech Republic this summer to be His hands and His feet.  I am so excited and proud of her!  I hear great things all of the time from that group of teens that were in my first youth ministry out of seminary.  Every time I hear another great report about one of them it makes me miss those days from the mid 90′s in New Mexico all the more.  I miss the teens and I miss that season in my life.

I seem to always use that season of my life as the plumb line for everything else.  I know that I shouldn’t.  But for whatever reason I continually look back and wish God used me now like He did then.  Has he changed? No.  So, what happened?  I guess my own personal fears have taken over and overcome my fear of the LORD.

Have I really placed my personal fears before my fear of the LORD?  Paul told Timothy, “Be ready in season and out of season.”  I’m personally torn right now within my life.  Too many times I get afraid of making the wrong choice – again.  I don’t want to make anymore mistakes or to get myself out on a limb to find myself falling back to the ground once again… broken, hurt, or embarrassed that the dream is not to be.  I’m starting to see myself as the one who buried his talent in the sand.

Oh the dreaded words, “If I could only go back…”

This is a new day – with new opportunities.  One thing from the past I must put on everyday is my total reliance on Jesus Christ.  I’ll never forget my first day “on the job’ at FBC.  That walk from my car up the sidewalk to the door of the church seems so long in my memory – when it was probably only 20 steps.  Yet, the whisper I spoke to Jesus I will never forget, “This is all you – I have no idea what awaits me on the other side of this door.”  The fear of the LORD far outweighed my own personal fears that were on the other side of that door.

The fear that I feel today is the result of a much different set of circumstances.  Despite the fear I have today – I wish, hope, and daydream of moments like what I had back then.  I was living “in season” then – preaching the Word the best I knew how – with my life, love, and friendship that God gave me to give.  I’m not serving on staff like that now and I think of doing that again some day.  I do know God wants me to be faithful with the life I have been given in this day that I live.  I’m reminded that no matter where I am in life  – it’s always the season to serve the Lord – to be His hands and his feet.

This is the thought from Saturday’s My Utmost for His Highest that go my wheels to turning on this subject.

If you say you will only be at your best for God, as during those exceptional times, you actually become an intolerable burden on Him. You will never do anything unless God keeps you consciously aware of His inspiration to you at all times. If you make a god out of your best moments, you will find that God will fade out of your life, never to return until you are obedient in the work He has placed closest to you, and until you have learned not to be obsessed with those exceptional moments He has given you. (April 25).

No matter where you find yourself today – this is the season for you to shine with whatever God has given you.  Make the most of every opportunity and life like there is no tomorrow.  Somebody else needs you to live your life the way God has called you to today - be available no matter how you feel – You’ve got a story to tell!

Everyday that we live - each of us have opportunities that come before us to help us grow.  It is what we do with those opportunities that determine to what extent we will be developed.  Do you embrace the challenges and with the fear of the LORD move forward?  Or do you worry and fear the barrier?  As I finished up reading Joshua this weekend, I saw a man who took the most of his opportunity to grow and be developed.  He had a tremendous job taking Israel into the Promised Land and establishing her boundaries.

I wonder how he felt at the moment he knew what his task was going to be?  I wonder if he ever worried or feared the job before him.  Joshua stayed true to God’s leading.  Joshua ends with this challenge to the people of Israel,

“Now fear the LORD and serve him with all faithfulness. Throw away the gods your forefathers worshiped beyond the River and in Egypt, and serve the LORD. But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.” (Joshua 24:14-15, New International Version).

I suspect Joshua’s fear of the LORD far out-weighed the fear of the task before him.  Joshua lived with a proper perspective of his life and his service to the LORD.

If you will remain true to God, God will lead you directly through every barrier and right into the inner chamber of the knowledge of Himself. But you must always be willing to come to the point of giving up your own convictions and traditional beliefs. Don’t ask God to test you. Never declare as Peter did that you are willing to do anything, even “to go . . . both to prison and to death” ( Luke 22:33  ). Abraham did not make any such statement— he simply remained true to God, and God purified his faith.  (Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, April 26).

What is the barrier in your life? 

Whatever the barrier hold fast to the truth you have gained from God.  Fear the LORD way more than the barrier.  Keep your eyes on Jesus – pray without ceasing and allow His Spirit to fully develop you to be the person you are created to be.

Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. (Philippians 4:13, The Message).

I wonder what the crippled guy felt – after sitting all those years by the pool – waiting for someone to put him in to be healed.  See John 5:1-18.

It’s a scary thing to make a decision that requires a leap of faith. The life of faith can be a bit frightening at times.  At some time in our lives each of us will be tested to some degree. 

I know for me fear of not knowing how something is going to turn out will stop me in my tracks just about as fast as anything.  I don’t like making mistakes and I don’t like failing.  There is also this element of me that really wants to be safe.  Yet, Jesus calls us all to a dangerous life.  He calls us knowing before hand that it is going to be hard.  This is what he told his disciples just before he was arrested,

“I’ve told you these things to prepare you for rough times ahead. They are going to throw you out of the meeting places. There will even come a time when anyone who kills you will think he’s doing God a favor. They will do these things because they never really understood the Father. I’ve told you these things so that when the time comes and they start in on you, you’ll be well-warned and ready for them.  (John 16:1-4, The Message).

I guess my biggest thing is that I want to make sure my family is taken care of before I make a big move of faith.  I don’t know that is totally wrong… but that is always a big concern for me.  I want to move beyond that fear though and live in total trust.  Daring to risk it all!

I’m asking God for what David wrote in Psalm 138:8, “Finish what you started in me, GOD.”