I am feeling desperate… I really want to get God’s attention. I want to know that He hears me when I pray. I want to understand Him more and to go deeper in His love and grace.

As I read Psalms in The Message, I see David’s unique way of communicating to God through praise and prayer. This morning I’m reading one of his prayers found in Psalm 17. He begins with, “Listen while I build my case, GOD, the most honest prayer you’ll ever hear.”

David does not lack confidence as he approaches his Heavenly Father. He was sure of himself and he was sure of the One he sought. He spoke directly to God, “Go ahead, examine me from the inside out, surprise me in the middle of the night – You’ll find I’m just what I say I am. My words don’t run loose.” (17:3).

In verse three, he is honest before God. There is not manipulation in his words to try and get his way. He lays his life out before God and asks for an examination. Much like how we do when we go to a doctor for a full physical on our physical health. We want the truth from the doctor and we hide nothing from them.

I have a strong desire to be used in God’s plan on this earth. I want to be available to be used by Him however He desires. Sometimes I seem to get lost in this pursuit. During the last several years I have been in pursuit of this but the circumstances of my life have thrown me a nasty curve ball I wasn’t looking for. I struck out. I was even hit by a pitch. Now I’m on deck warming up and I am starting to fear getting into the batters box.

“I’m staying on your trail; I’m putting one foot in front of the other. I’m not giving up.” (17:5).

David prays in verses 6-7, “I call to you, GOD, because I’m sure of an answer. So – answer! bend your ear! listen sharp! Paint grace-graffiti on the fences; take in your frightened children who are running from the neighborhood bullies straight to you.”

David sought God desperately to get away from the clutches of his enemies. He prayed what he wanted to see happen to those who came up against him. (17:10-14). He didn’t hold back and presented his circumstance to the Father.

Finally in 17:15, “And me? I plan on looking you full in the face. When I get up, I’ll see your full stature and live heaven on earth.” David knew victory would be his. He knew who he was and he knew his GOD… he trusted with all his heart. David didn’t give up or give in. He stayed hot on the trail seeking GOD.

Let’s do the same!!

I’m having a beautiful moment with the Lord. I’ve wondered if this is one of those moments I should keep to myself or not. Obviously, I’ve decided to share a bit of it.

I’m worlds apart from the person I am to the person I dream of becoming. I wake everyday hoping that today I become more like the man I have entrusted every bit of hope I have… The man is Jesus Christ.

The lyrics of Worlds Apart by Jars of Clay are more beautiful than anything I could ever write on my own:

I pray… “To rid myself of all but love, to give and die… Take my world apart – I am on my knees – take my world apart – broken on my knees… All I am for all you are because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart.” (Jars of Clay).

I pray God takes my world apart and uses me for His glory. I ask him to use the breath He has given me to glorify Himself however he chooses.

I’m understanding today a little bit about obedience thanks to the leadership of the Holy Spirit. I am am rejoicing today with the words of David found in 2 Samuel 22:21-25,

“God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him. When I cleaned up my act, he gave me a fresh start. Indeed, I’ve kept alert to God’s ways; I haven’t taken God for granted. Every day I review the ways he works, I try not to miss a trick. I feel put back together, and I’m watching my step. God rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.”

God take my world apart and let me change the world for your glory…

I began writing on this blog a year ago this month.  I haven’t been writing as much this month.  Although, I have been reading some of the things I wrote back in February 2008.  One thing I do see is that I am more hungry for God today than I was a year ago.  I am not content with my life.  I am not content with where I am and with what I am doing with my life. 

There is so much that I struggle with from the past.  I do not want to let those things any longer to take me down.  I am so ready for God to unleash in me His desire for my life.  I want to risk whatever I need to risk  in order to experience God.

I woke up today thinking about the word influence.  This word has continued to be on the forefront of my mind throughout the day.  I attended two different churches today.  Even though the topics for both services were different – God related both of those services back to this one word (for me) – influence. 

How do I (you) influence the world around me (you)?

As I left Tapestry Church tonight, song 13 off of Third Day’s CD “Revelation” was in the CD player.  This was the first time I’d heard this song, “Take It All.”  It summarizes my thoughts and prayers these days. 

God, I want to bloom where you have planted me.  I don’t want anything in my life to hinder my influence in this world.  Father, use me for your purpose.  Take it all!

All the promises I’ve broken,
All the times I’ve let You down,
You forgot them, but still I hold on to the pain that makes me drown,
But now I’m ready to let it go, to give it away.

Take it all,
Cause I can’t take it any longer,
All I have, I can’t make it on my own,
Take the first, take the last,
Take the good and take the rest
Here I am, all I have,
Take it all.

And all the roads that lie before me,
All the struggles I go through,
Give me a?secondary? reminder that it all belongs to You,
Now I’m ready to let it go, to give it away.

Take it all,
Cause I can’t take it any longer,
All I have, I can’t make it on my own,
Take the first, take the last,
Take the good and take the rest
Here I am, all I have,
Take it all. 

And ever since I died to myself,
You gave a better life to me,
I give You my finest moment,
I give You the last breath I breathe.  (Third Day, ” Take It All”).

…but don’t be surprised if where you are planted is in a nursery.

I used to lead a landscaping company when I lived in Albuquerque.  It was a great experience and it was an awesome opportunity to work for my friend there.  I learned a lot during that time of my life.  While working there I would take clients to a local nursery to get a better idea of the plantings I was suggesting for their landscape.  Once the selections were made I would place the order.

Those plants I am sure were very content staying right there in the nursery.  They had plenty of water and the appropriate lighting necessary for their growth.  But there would come a day for those plants to be relocated to another location… possibly their permanent home. 

Israel was taken care of by God while wandering in the wilderness.  God lead them with a cloud by day and fire by night.  They went were he lead.  They grumbled and complained a lot.  Yet the entire time Joshua was being raised up to lead them on into the Promised Land and out of the wilderness.

God has used wilderness experiences in my life to get my attention that it was time to go somewhere else.  Now – I’m not saying that He leads everyone that way… that’s just how He has gotten me to make a move in one direction or the other.   

No matter where you may be today in your walk with Christ – you will always be walking toward greater maturity.  In order to do so that may mean you will have to step out of the nursery and into the wilderness for a bit.  But take heart God will be there in the fog and will lead with fire.  Bloom wherever God plants.

It’s somewhere north of here!

There are a few songs I really like to listen to when I drive… especially when I am going through a contemplative season.  It’s that season again.  “Somewhere North” by Derek Webb is one of those songs. 

It’s a muggy night in Houston
And all the intersections are like full service stations
I’m on my way to a familiar place
It’s cold in Kansas City
And you can no more hear me than I can see your face
How I wish it was just you and me

We wouldn’t have to talk above the crowd
We wouldn’t have to talk so loud

Chorus
I give you my life and all I am
But what have I to give
So I hand you a candid photograph of this little boy
‘Cause I have nothing to my name
But I can give you that

I don’t miss the driving
Seems like forever
And I’m always driving in my mind
And wearing out the road that gets me there

And I’m driving till my eyes just can’t see straight
But I suppose that it’s getting late

Chorus

I may never find the sleep
I’ve lost all feeling in my hands and
Feet may touch the ground but
My mind’s somewhere north of here

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tk9fBx-On2o]

I saw Derek Webb perform at Berry College with Joel and Jason last winter.  Webb was awesome!  I don’t recall if he sang this or not… I assume this song is about a relationship with a girl.  I have another take on it for my life and will write about it in Part Two.

I recall sitting in my bedroom on Walnut Dr.  It was summer.  I think I was 19 years old.

I knew what God was wanting to do with me at the time.  I knew what He was calling me to do.  I knew what He was preparing.  But I had this fear of stepping out and doing what He wanted me to do. 

Fear.  It’s an ugly four letter word.  One that I don’t like to face. 

So what happened on that day in my bedroom?  I had been praying about this thing on my mind.  I knew what God was telling me.  Yet I wanted him to write it out on the wall for me… send me a letter in the mail… speak to me audibly.  I just wanted authoritative proof that what was on my mind was really Him and not something I was making up in my mind. 

So what happened while in my bedroom?  Well, after I prayed I recall having this thought come to my mind. “Read Psalm 32:8-11.”  OK – cool – I will read it.  I did.  Before I read it I had no idea what it was going to say.  I wasn’t even sure if there were 11 verses in this Psalm.  I grabbed my NIV and started reading:

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
       I will counsel you and watch over you.

Do not be like the horse or the mule,
       which have no understanding
       but must be controlled by bit and bridle
       or they will not come to you.

 Many are the woes of the wicked,
       but the LORD’s unfailing love
       surrounds the man who trusts in him.

 Rejoice in the LORD and be glad, you righteous;
       sing, all you who are upright in heart.

Well, He didn’t have to head me over the head!  But I’m glad He did! After-all I asked for it!

Tonight I am reading in Psalm 32.  While reading this passage I am reminded of that particular evening.  Now I’m 43.  Guess what!  I still struggle with that fear. 

My friend James told me yesterday, “Don’t be afraid”  – among other things.  Sometimes I think if God would put that bit in my mouth and lead me on I will not need to fear… yet he says, “Don’t be like the horse of the mule…”  I guess I’m a jack ass !  Just kidding… I’m a child of God that wants to be safe.  I need to live with “Reckless Abandon”.

Why all of the fear?

I can’t state it any better than Oswald Chambers.  My words I have tried to put together are worthless to go with this quote.  So, I’ll just let Chambers do the talking. 

There are times when you can’t understand why you cannot do what you want to do. When God brings a time of waiting, and appears to be unresponsive, don’t fill it with busyness, just wait. The time of waiting may come to teach you the meaning of sanctification— to be set apart from sin and made holy— or it may come after the process of sanctification has begun to teach you what service means. Never run before God gives you His direction. If you have the slightest doubt, then He is not guiding. Whenever there is doubt— wait.

At first you may see clearly what God’s will is— the severance of a friendship, the breaking off of a business relationship, or something else you feel is distinctly God’s will for you to do. But never act on the impulse of that feeling. If you do, you will cause difficult situations to arise which will take years to untangle. Wait for God’s timing and He will do it without any heartache or disappointment. When it is a question of the providential will of God, wait for God to move. (My Utmost for His Highest, January4).

I want to understand more about how God has spoken to others through dreams.  As I read the Bible I am coming up with more questions.  I am reading in Genesis 37 and the chapters to follow about Joseph and the dreams he had been given as a teenager.  He was also given the opportunity to be used by God to deliver the interpretation of dreams.

As it pertains to the dream he was given, I wonder what ran through Joseph’s mind as he lived each day.  Did he know in his heart of hearts that his brothers would really bow to him?  Did he ever regret telling his brothers and father his dream?  Did he think it was going to take so long to see the fulfillment?  Should he have kept the dream to himself?  Did he prematurely speak about it?  No matter what the answers are – the dream was real and the dream became reality. 

But before the dream became reality – what was on the mind of Joseph?  How did he live the way he did… where did his hope come from?  Did the dream stay on his mind?  Did he never think about it again?  Was he looking daily for it to become reality? Or did a set of circumstances down the road bring him back to his teenage dream?

As I have been reading for whatever reason ”Kyrie” by Mr. Mister keeps playing in my head.  The words Kyrie eleison keep coming to my mind.  I realize Joseph was Hebrew but I wonder if he would have prayed these words, Kyrie eleison?  I’m sure in some way he must have prayed, “Lord, have mercy.”

(kĭr‘ēā‘ əlā‘ēsŏn‘, –sən) [Gr.,=Lord, have mercy], in the Roman Catholic Church, prayer of the Mass coming after the introit, the only ordinary part of the traditional liturgy said not in Latin but in Greek. It has nine lines: “Lord have mercy (thrice), Christ have mercy (thrice), Lord have mercy (thrice).” As the first invariable hymn, the Kyrie is often the first piece in a musical Mass. An English version is used in the Anglican liturgy and in the reformed Roman Catholic vernacular liturgy. The phrase Kyrie eleison used by itself is, of course, common in the Eastern rites, but without the phrase Christe eleison.The corresponding prayer in the Russian Orthodox church is often called a Kyrie.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XNKbHJ3PTu4]

Kyrie eleison, kyrie eleison, kyrie

The wind blows hard against this mountain side,
across the sea into my soul
It reaches into where I cannot hide,
setting my feet upon the road

My heart is old, it holds my memories,
my body burns a gemlike flame
Somewhere between the soul and soft machine,
is where I find myself again

Kyrie eleison, down the road that I must travel
Kyrie eleison, through the darkness of the night
Kyrie eleison, where I’m going will you follow
Kyrie eleison, on a highway in the light

When I was young I thought of growing old,
of what my life would mean to me
Would I have followed down my chosen road,
or only wished what I could be

Kyrie eleison, down the road that I must travel
Kyrie eleison, through the darkness of the night
Kyrie eleison, where I’m going will you follow
Kyrie eleison, on a highway in the light

Kyrie eleison, down the road that I must travel
Kyrie eleison, through the darkness of the night
Kyrie eleison, where I’m going will you follow
Kyrie eleison, on a highway in the light

Yesterday I had the opportunity to do something I don’t do anymore… Gas prices and time keep me from this activity. 

love, I get so lost sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when I want to run away
I drive off in my car
but whichever way I go
I come back to the place You are (Peter Gabriel, “In Your Eyes”).

Joseph had a dream. When he told it to his brothers, they hated him even more. He said, “Listen to this dream I had. We were all out in the field gathering bundles of wheat. All of a sudden my bundle stood straight up and your bundles circled around it and bowed down to mine.”

His brothers said, “So! You’re going to rule us? You’re going to boss us around?” And they hated him more than ever because of his dreams and the way he talked.

He had another dream and told this one also to his brothers: “I dreamed another dream—the sun and moon and eleven stars bowed down to me!”  (Genesis 37:5-9, The Message).

God – He is the Dream Keeper.

This morning I was awake at 5:02.  I sat up and thought to myself, “It sure feels warm in this house this morning.” (It’s always freezing in our bedroom… just ask the penguins that moved in last week.)  Back to the early morning wake up call…  I put my head back down and thought, “What do You want to talk about?”  I have had a lot on my mind the past couple of months.  If I told you everything that has been on my mind – I know I would overwhelm you.

I asked God, “What do You want to talk about?”  I believe He gave me my next thought.  He wanted me to talk about one of those things on my mind.  I prayed and the next thing I knew it was just a few minutes after 7.  I don’t know how long we talked… Joel will probably have a smart remark and say a minute or two… I just don’t recall the time.  But I do know the conversation with God was about.

So, now I’m in my office jotting down some of my thoughts before they get away.  Peace, hope, love, joy, and calm are the things running through my mind… and my heart.  I’m thankful for the experience.  I’m thankful for the conversation at 5:02 AM.

After jotting down my thoughts – I looked up Brian Bloye’s blog (Pastor of West Ridge Church in Hiram).  He has a post entitled, “Still”.  Take a quiet moment and read what he as to say.  I know you will be spoken to…