I recall sitting in my bedroom on Walnut Dr. It was summer. I think I was 19 years old.
I knew what God was wanting to do with me at the time. I knew what He was calling me to do. I knew what He was preparing. But I had this fear of stepping out and doing what He wanted me to do.
Fear. It’s an ugly four letter word. One that I don’t like to face.
So what happened on that day in my bedroom? I had been praying about this thing on my mind. I knew what God was telling me. Yet I wanted him to write it out on the wall for me… send me a letter in the mail… speak to me audibly. I just wanted authoritative proof that what was on my mind was really Him and not something I was making up in my mind.
So what happened while in my bedroom? Well, after I prayed I recall having this thought come to my mind. “Read Psalm 32:8-11.” OK – cool – I will read it. I did. Before I read it I had no idea what it was going to say. I wasn’t even sure if there were 11 verses in this Psalm. I grabbed my NIV and started reading:
I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you and watch over you.
Do not be like the horse or the mule,
which have no understanding
but must be controlled by bit and bridle
or they will not come to you.
Many are the woes of the wicked,
but the LORD’s unfailing love
surrounds the man who trusts in him.
Rejoice in the LORD and be glad, you righteous;
sing, all you who are upright in heart.
Well, He didn’t have to head me over the head! But I’m glad He did! After-all I asked for it!
Tonight I am reading in Psalm 32. While reading this passage I am reminded of that particular evening. Now I’m 43. Guess what! I still struggle with that fear.
My friend James told me yesterday, “Don’t be afraid” – among other things. Sometimes I think if God would put that bit in my mouth and lead me on I will not need to fear… yet he says, “Don’t be like the horse of the mule…” I guess I’m a jack ass 🙂 ! Just kidding… I’m a child of God that wants to be safe. I need to live with “Reckless Abandon”.
Why all of the fear?